Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
