Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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