can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Randomize
