We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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