i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
