Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
