obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
