Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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