my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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