Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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