Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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