the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
