Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
