The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
