if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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