I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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