I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
