She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you never un-have a 4some
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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