You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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