I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
