I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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