May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
