so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
