My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just forgot I was standing up.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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