You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
