you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
