i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
