I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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