finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
