I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
