using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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