Pants 0. Shit 1.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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