I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
