ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
