so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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