I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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