Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
