This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
