my shit smells like andre
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
