oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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