I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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