I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
