I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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