You made me cry and you don't even care
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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