You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
