The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Can I color on your dick again?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
