Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
