so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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