I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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