I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
