if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
