he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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