Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
