If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
