wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
