so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
