I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
