I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
