Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
