I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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