Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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