So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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